4. Things Stopped Making Sense

Things Stopped Making Sense.

Immediately after surgery it struck me odd that in recovery she was in a great deal of discomfort. At home it seemed to take an enormous amount of narcotics to ease the pain. Immediately after surgery she began apologizing for "having put me through this, but it's over now."

I explained that it may infact be over for her, but it was far from over for me. I explained that for the next six months to come I would have to relive the feelings each time she walked in, took off her clothes, and watched another man touch/manipulated my wife's breasts. I explained there were now "movies" in my mind watching him do all that had already done - with him taking her bra off one side a time, putting his hand under her breast and lifting it up... all of that was still very "present" for me even if it was "past" for her.

From February until June - everything stopped being logical. My love - the love of my life - suddenly cared about only the things she wanted. She stopped evaluating any decisions to see if they made good material sense, good marital sense, or good health sense.

3. The Choice to have Surgery

New MD
Out of the blue my wife announced "I've got an MD appointment tomorrow morning at 9:00 - Oh, and I changed doctors." The fact she changed from our family physician of several years without talking to me, coupled with the fact she picked a male MD caused me to have a moment of "What?? Why?"

We talked about her recent lack of communication - how there were so many things she wasn't sharing with me about important things in her life... pains, illness, family events etc - that I was quite honesly feeling like her roommate rather than her husband. She apologized and said she had forgotten all about me not being particularlly comfortable with male MDs.

10 days later she upped the ante.

Surgery

I received a call one afternoon asking if she could "go next door" and schedule an appointment with the Plastic Surgeon (who happens to possess an X chromosome) in the office next to hers. I was speechless - but she reassured me she was only scheduling a consultation for weeks down the road, I would have time to figure out all the questions I wanted to ask before she went.

That gave me a bit of a breather -


A few hours later at 4:20, she called and said "when I went over, they said they could get me in at 4:30 - Can I go? Please?" My office was a good 20 minutes away - there was no way in the world I could have gone even if she had invited me.

She went and I started to disentigrate. I shared with her how it 'scrambled my insides' with her picking a male MD... and then even after our conversations, she picked a male plastic surgeon?

She went ahead with the plans for surgery. Nothing I could say could disuade her in any way. We had conversations where I expressed my personal appreciation and love of her body exactly as it was. I shared that I knew it was her body, but she was taking chances with anesthesia since she had one bad reaction before.

When I realized nothing I asked of her so far was something she would agree to, I asked for a compromise. If she was determined to have the surgery, could we select a female surgeron. There were two very well respected surgeons closer to our home - and neither of them had any wrongful death suites pending. (Her surgeon had 3.) Their price was $500.00 more.

She got angry and told me what I felt inside wasn't worth spending an extra $500.00.

From that moment on, I shared my own hopes and desires - then said no more. I supported her in every way I could. I went to her appointments with her, I did all the reading and research (since she wouldn't.) I bought straws for her to drink from after surgery, I bought more than twenty bags of frozen peas (to use as ice packs)... I filled her prescriptions, I asked her surgeon for drugs to keep her from getting a bladder infection...

I took off several days to care for her at home, I helped her go to the restroom, I fed her - in short I did everything I could think of to be a good husband. Inside I was still hurting with her decision to do everything she wanted and ignore the consequences her decisions had for me and the strife it caused in our marriage.

2. The Last 12 Months - from Surgery to Addiction

Breast Augmentation

A year ago, my beloved, beautiful wife floated a balloon with her suggestion of what we might do with our $4,500.00 tax return. I've never denied my wife anything she wanted – ever, but she caught me off guard with her request. She wanted to have breast augmentation. After a moment of stunned silence, I knew I must reply or risk hurting her feelings. My less than enthusiastic "..umm. Are you sure?" made my sentiments clear – and she immediately ended the discussion with " well, just a thought… maybe we'll talk about it later."
From this moment on, life changed.

I always thought of myself as a reasonable guy. My wife and I have never had a fight to this day - I was taught to deal with concerns by talking them out. For me, personally, a great marriage is marked by discussion aimed at a common understanding; a middle ground if you will. Discussions should never be about "winning" or "loosing" - but about fairness and compassion - working together to do what is right.

I've always taken great pains to treat my wife with great respect. I make sure to send flowers for no reason other than just to say "I love you" - and send them to her office so she is the center of attention. I sent them so often she actually asked me to stop when we got married. I never showed up to a date without a rose - until she asked me to stop.

I do not believe there are things that are "women's work" and do the dishes after every meal, I do the laundry, I vacuum, I change diapers, I make the bed... and then I do the things that are stereotypically male - take care of the yard and do all the repairs around the house. In the past, when she asked, I gutted two bathrooms back to stud wall and replaced everything from the tank and bowl to retiling the floor. I took out the kitchen counters and put in new counters of her choice. Together we refinished the cabinets - all because she wanted to.

I don't write any of this personal lauds, I write it to explain exactly how much I love and respect my wife. I want so very much to make her happy.

And she always did her best to do things that made me happy. Until this request -


My Hang Up - Male M.Ds.

I have a hang up. I know about it. Rationally I know it is illogical, but I can't seem to get past it. The Lord knows I've tried and prayed often for assistance. The hang up? Male doctors in close proximity to my wife in any state of undress. I know when, how, and why it started – but still feel powerless against the feelings.

Three times in my presence, male M.D.s were unprofessional to a female family member - once with my Mom and twice with my wife. In all three instances the "Y Chromosome" overrode their professionalism and they acted in ways that were inappropriate. Staring, wiggling his eyebrows up and down, and mouthing a silent "Wow!" as one stared at my mom's exposed buttocks – stuck with me. Of course he didn't notice that little six year old boy sitting there, but I left with an understanding of "guys are guys first, their profession second" stuck with me.

When we were just dating, there was an OB examination sheet laying in the open one even while we were watching TV. I asked if she minded if I read it – she said "Sure!"… and reading about what all this particular male OB did struck me funny. This strange gnawing sensation started in my stomach as I read how he evaluated my wife's areola, its color and size… how he evaluated her nipples (were they introverted or extraverted… if manipulated will an introverted nipple extravert?) and then how he examined her genitalia.

I shared with her the weird feeling this caused – and explained it the best I could. She said she would do anything to make me happy and she sort of felt awkward with a man, too… she went to a female OB and had a female regular family doctor – so that beast of a feeling quieted down.

February of last year, she rattled the cage and my life and marriage began to unravel.

1. Where Do You Start?

Where do you start? How can anyone hope to articulate (with any clarity) the flood of thoughts and emotions that make up a day? There is something inherently disturbing about putting your thoughts - the very essence of who you are - for an anonymous "someone" to read. There is something deeply unnerving in translating emotions to the page when the 'author' has no talent in doing so. Allow, even solicit, that same reader's response.... there are moments this self-pillory creates doubt about this embarkation.

In quieter moments, the fear of exposure is balanced by the reality of 'need' while praying for the anonymity offered by this vast electronic world. The very thought that instills vulnerability also provides relief – hoping that someone out there can, even if only for a moment……… understand.

I have no one I can talk with – the things I face have to be dealt in quiet desperation. Talking to even my closest and oldest friend would expose family secrets I've been begged to keep hidden. Discussing even the most minute detail would bring condemnation from my wife and pity from my friend. That said, I am ill equipped to handle the chasm in our marriage alone…

Heaven help me.